Post: Reply | Quote
Fiona loves anything Scottish! How about these?
Did you here about the Scottish fisherman who was so mean...he married a woman with worms so he wouldn't have to buy bait?
Double glazing is doing great business in Scotland...in hope that the children can't hear the icecream van when it comes round.
Angus goes round to his friend Hamish's place and finds him stripping the wallpaper from the walls.
"So Hamish, your redecorating then?"
"No Angus, I'm moving hoose."
Jock's nephew came to him with a problem. "I have my choice of two women," he said, "a beautiful, penniless young girl whom I love dearly, and a rich old widow whom I can't stand."
"Follow your heart; marry the girl you love," Jock counseled.
"Very well, Uncle Jock," said the nephew, "that's sound advice."
"By the way," asked Jock "where does the widow live?"
A Scotsman took a girl for a ride in a taxi. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eye on the meter
A Scottish newspaper ad: "Lost - a £5 note. Sentimental value"
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of the people you don't know.
A Scotsman and a Jew were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in New York .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said, "That's all right laddie just gee the check to me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
A barn-stormer lands on a farmers croft in the highlands and offers to take him for a joy-flight for $5.00.
The farmer declines...pointing out that $5.00 is a lot of money.
"OK, " says the pilot, "Here's what I'll do. I'll take both you and your wife up, and if I can make you scream, you owe me $10.00...if not, then the rides free."
"You're on." agrees the farmer.
The pilot takes them up and gives them the most breathtaking, hair-raising ride he can. Loops and barrel-rolls and dives, the whole works...without a sound from the passenger seats behind him.
When they land he turns to the farmer and says, "Well you win, I guess you get the ride for nothing."
"Aye,' says the farmer, "But you damn near had your $10.00 when the wife fell oot."
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked.
"Aye, a whisky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there was a choice."
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" Lottery night! Someone else wins.
Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as well!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.
Jock prays again. "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and
the voice of God Himself thunders:
"Jock meet me half way...at least buy a ticket!"
Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asked, "How much land do you have here?"
"About two acres" Jock replied.
"You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch!" the American boasted.
"Aye", said Jock " I once had a car like that."
Adios