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Hello

I did my first bit of work with my mystery writing tutor today... and I have attached apiece of it for you to read... it is out of context etc but it will give you an example of what 2 great minds (ok 1 great mind and me) can do when they try.

Bardo watched in fascinated silence as the tireless lizard hunted its next meal. The dark shadow of a bird glided over the ground. Sinister wide wings rode over the beautiful crystalline logs and touched the tail of the lizard. Bardo blinked and looked up at the iridescent black bird. It was a raven he saw, a scavenger, a harbinger of doom. The bird gave out the despondent croak of its kind. Bardo glanced back at the log where the lizard sought sanctuary and he shuddered as he recognised that he shared the same fears as the reptile; he too was prey to creatures he could not hope to understand.
The bird, no longer interested, flew into the distance. Bardo raced over to the log and tipped it over. He jumped back in surprise. A snake slid away. From its mouth protruded the blue speckled tail of its unfinished meal.

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Seriously cool, Steve. Love the imagery.

If I could be so presumptuious as to 1. offer advice and 2. make it advice I got from Fiona a while back... personally, I would that the and out of this bit...

Bardo glanced back at the log where the lizard sought sanctuary and he shuddered as he recognised that he shared the same fears as the reptile; he too was prey to creatures he could not hope to understand.

And put in a . make it two sentences... or not. Tis up to you. Just my two bits worth.

Edited by: LisaHy at: 3/31/03 9:47:43 pm

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Wow soldier! that was great! I expected the raven to go for the lizard but...a snake? Totally cool twist! Well done!">

The greatest gift comes from the heart...

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That's a very nice excerpt, Steve. Another meager suggestion: you might described the color and mottled skin of the lizard quickly at the beginning just to tie it together with the last bit. It's very visceral, though. Well done.

Brad.

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is there any more.....

the discriptions were very rich, i could picture the scene in my mind but i will agree, if you mentioned the colour of the lizard at the beginning then it will make the snake part more striking....

GO STEVE and your mysterious helper

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that was real good! Hope you'll have more bits and pieces to show soon!

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What do you think?

Bardo marched into the wooden henge, his ruby eyes ablaze with fury as he wrenched off his veil and spat on his father's newly covered grave.

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... I'm thinking Bardo is seriously pissed off at his father ... but why? why? .. was it because he did something bad, or just because he died on Bardo?! ... I want to know more!">

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greatly written
I'm really starting to like this Bardo ... such a rule breaker.
Please feel free to keep posting more! ">

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Since you asked so nicely here is another snippet of the veiled ones.

Tears of morning dew trickled down the marking stone onto Jamal's smouldering, lime-coated pit as he mouthed the words on the marble: 'Jamal the Great.'
Defying the sacred rules, Bardo removed the hood from his casal -- the voluminous gown of his people. Savouring the freedom, Bardo cared nothing for the law, even though revealing his face in public was punishable by death. Somehow he needed to hurt his father, the great Jamal, leader of his people -- the Veiled Ones.

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I think he's really mad at his dad...or else it's a custom to be mad at someone for dying and spitting on their grave (J/K!)">
Seriously though, really good expression in there and more would be nice.">

The greatest gift comes from the heart...

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Oooooooooooooooooo! A rebel! Well done soldier! Keep posting!

The greatest gift comes from the heart...