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Well, taking soldiers advice the other night (yes I know that dosnt happen often) I have managed to write the opening prologue to a story that has been churning around in my head for a while now.

It is posted on the writers part of voyager online for those who would like to take a sneak peak

www.voyageronline.com.au/community/writers/default.cfm

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Ambrai - post here. We will all enjoy reading it and sharing thoughts. Go on....

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Exciting start, lots of intrigue. Watch all those bells clanging in the early part. You mention the word a few times. Your readers know they're clanging so you need not reinforce it.

Also look out for 'modern slang'. This is clearly a medieval tale with inn, trestle table, horses, etc. So don't go shimmying anywhere, or weaselling ... and similar.

Keep it either in an older language, a higher style of writing or just write it straight. You are building your world, luring your reader deeper into it so don't jar on their senses with modern words which has the effect of dragging them back to real life.

It's terrific, Ambrai. I hope you'll keep posting. I'm sure all of us want to know where this goes.

Phew! There is just so much talent at this Board. It's intimidating!

Good luck. F ">

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The bells tolled the death knell for the lifeless twisted body. Caleb was dead.
As the bells continued their sonorous ringing the villagers started coming out of their shops and homes. Congregating in the increasingly crowded market place they gathered to glean what little news there was. No one had heard the bell ring in living memory, Oh there had been some wild tales but no one put any stock in those.

Caleb had always been a loner, if the boys were playing soccer he was always the last to be picked and as a consequence tended to keep to himself. The question was why were the bells tolling his death. Death had visited the village many times in the past few years and the bells had always remained silent until now.

The crowd was growing more unruly by the minute if no one came from the abbey it was going to turn ugly. Gwym ducked under the fruit sellers stall to avoid the fisticuffs he knew were only moments away. The crowd erupted into knots of squalling men and screeching women. No one knew what had promoted it but all used it as an excuse to release the tension of the past hour. Gwym safe under the cart flitched and apple from the fruit sellers stall it looked like he was going to be trapped for a while.

From under the cart Gwym heard a voice shout “its that foreigner what did this he needs to pay.” The crowd spilled from the market place in an angry flood of bodies. No longer fighting among themselves but united in common hatred of the stranger.

Gwym weaselled out from under the cart if he was quick enough and used the assassins roof top highways he might get to the inn before the mob did. He didn’t particularly care about the foreigner just figured that he could turn the situation to his advantage and maybe get enough of a reward to make it worth his while. Using the roof highway without permission was a risky proposition, but he figured it was worth the chance.

Keeping to the shadows and back alleys Gwym approached one of the access points to the highway. He pulled himself up onto the roofs he figured that his best approach was just to look like he belonged up here. Ignoring the itching in his shoulder blades that told him to run like hell, he kept his pace to a steady walk. The inn wasn’t that far away all he needed to do was to keep his cool and he’d be fine. Thankfully he spotted no one they were all caught up in the violence in the streets below.

As he shimmied down the drainpipe near the inn he could hear the sound of the mob. He didn’t have long until the mob reached the inn, if he expected to get anything out of this he needed to act fast. Drawing his hood around himself he strode into the inn. It wasn’t hard to spot the stranger he had come to warn. At the sound of the door opening the stranger came instantly alert one hand going to his sword hilt. Years of intrigue and danger had honed his instincts. Gwym headed to the worn trestle table at which the stranger was seated. “If you value your life you will get out of here now” he said urgently. The man called over the inn keeper and said he was retiring for the night and would appreciate a meal been sent to his quarters. Gwym was unceremoniously grabbed by the back of his cloak and hauled along as well. The innkeeper gave the man a sly wink as he past by obviously assuming Gwym to be the nights entertainment.

Instead of heading straight out to the stables as Gwym had expected they climbed up the stairs leading from the common room of the inn. As soon as they reached the strangers room Gwym was tossed onto the bed. “Now why would a weasel like yourself be warning me for hmmm” the stranger asked in a thoughtful tone, could it be that you thought to turn a profit”. “Not at all kind sir I only sort to warn you that you were in danger”

Deciding not to quibble over the boys obvious untruth Drey headed for the shuttered window. Peering out he could see the glow of torches and hear the cries of the angry mob. Wasting no time he turned to the garderobe and gathered his meagre belongs. Throwing them out the window he remarket to Gwym “you’d better be coming with me if that lot find you here they’re just as likely to kill you. Without looking to see if his words had been heeded he threw his pack out the window and dropped over the sill.

Hearing a loud banging on the door Gwym realised he had no choice he could go with Drey and perhaps still realise his dream of a reward or he could stay here and wait to be killed. On that thought he followed Dry out the window to find the man waiting with two horses saddled.

The ride that followed was one that Gwym wished to forget. He had never been on a horse before and all he could do was hold desperately to the pommel and trust that Drey knew what he was doing.

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Ambrai

Wow this has changed so much from the giggle we had writing the worst plot on the planet...

I thought we agree a title would be Cardinal Syn?

Also take soccer out.. its amodern word... it was football for a gazillion years previously... also if you use football it can be anywhere in the world... from aztec to china to even usa..

Yep, too many bells.. the bells they made me daft... opps or something like that.

But, wow the rest is magnificent... I wonder if you can have those bells tolling with a frantic campanologists dance... wanted tos ee the dirty deed done.. and him hanging by that rope... dropping to the floor...

Oh well guess i have to wait for the rest of the story.

I really like it... and since you had only one line... you have done an amazing job.

I am envious I wish i could write as good as you guys do... sob sob sob sob.

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Thanks fiona for the feedback, i will have to keep workin on this one. Now the only question is what the heck do ic all it?

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Exciting start Ambrai! Don't worry about what to call it. Keep writing and it will name itself. I called my story "the Book" for want of a better name for quite some time. Eventually I grew to like the title "the book" and it gave me an idea for another story.

<hr><font face="verdana" size="1"><b>Life is a containment field for thought.</b><i> (A Slatz original.)</i></font>

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its a good start, i agree with the bells, but it didnt bother me to much..

it made me think, so if i had picked this book up stone cold then i would definatly read on to find out some answers..

keep going...i want to find out more....can we have a sneak peek at chapter 1........

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Ambrai,

A great start, as others have already commented. Quite honestly, I think the hardest part of writing a book is the first 5-10 pages. You already have a good beginning, so keep it going! You'll find it only gets easier as you slip into your natural style.

I'll also give a criticism of a mundane nature. I noticed several punctuation problems. If you're launching into a novel, I would stronly recommend diving into the basics for a day or two so you don't have to correct the mistakes you're currently making later (it'll save you weeks of time; believe me).

Check out these two links:

webster.commnet.edu/grammar/index.htm

www.sff.net/odyssey/tips1.html

Those should give you a head start.

Good job and keep writing!

Brad.

Edited by: bbeaulieu at: 1/18/03 9:11:54 am