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Satine

I admire you. You know that.

I want you ro remember that any fool can criticise and that they invariably do.

People don't understand how much courage it takes to put up a piece of your soul. Well Done for doing so.

I adore the work.. and if you want I would be happy to give you a few minor suggestions that may improve it.

Email me if you like...

However, the work is stronger than anything I am capable of achieving... and I love it... so come on send me more.

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Well, it's true. My mum will just go "Yeah, that's wonderfull <edit "> >" But my dad, even if he likes it he'll suggest ways of writing it differently, adding things etc.

Well, I'm brave enough to put a little bit up for critisise. Got to admit, a little nervous.

Prologue
The tree’s whispered a name into the night. Over and over again they whispered one name. “Clara. Clara Fernan. Clara Fernan.”
For centuries the forces of good and the forces of evil have battled. But soon one girl will stand up to the challenge that is her destiny, and decide the fate of all.

Chapter 1
The sun rose over the village of Trenchin, the townspeople were already up and working. The fishing crafts were out to sea, and the crew of the travel ship, Searcher were hard at their chores. Trenchin was a major fishing village on the isle of Rayol. Rayol was an island off the mainland, in the kingdom of Shenon.
The island was spacious, but very few lived on the island, because of an old legend. Legend told of a mysterious maiden, who captured the hearts of men. Those who fell under her spell entered a forest, never to be seen again. Those who went into the forest to find these men never returned, or if so, they returned mad. They would rave about things from ancient history, that the Delger’s preferred to keep secret.
The Delgers were religious leaders shipped in from the mainland. They preached of the destruction of Rayol, if it stayed on it’s current course. They once tried to gain consent from Lord Willis, to have Shady Forest – as the locals called it – burnt down. Lord Willis wasn’t a particularly superstitious man, but the uproar from his nobles, and the village folk turned his hand against it.
Other than the fishing village, there was also farming country.


Remember, I'm a humble 16 yr old. So be nice. lol

Satine

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Lots of lovely mystery here.

Simple trick - don't repeat a word in a sentence. I know we do when we talk. Aloud you can add pauses and emphasis, you can act a little bit putting in the shades of grey so repetition doesn't impact. But when you are reading prose you need it to flow and repetition jars on your reader's mind. So as you write just keep an eye out for it or using a word too soon again i.e. Whispered, forces, legend, island. Work on a new variation of those sentences and immediately the words will flow more smoothly for the reader.

It's terrific Satine. Is this for an assignment or purely to pursue your own passion. Either way, fantastic. Hope you'll show us more. F

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Great job so far, Satine. Applause all around for tackling this and having the heart to send it out for comment.

I like how things have started. I realize this is just a beginning and that there's obviously more to go. One humble comment would be to focus a bit more on the story at hand. What you've started with, while interesting, is background material that might be better brought out later in the story after we've been introduced to and have mentally invested in your characters.

Keep it up!!

Brad.

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Hi Satine,

First off congrats for posting your writing, it takes courage to put your work out there and I think it's important to be able to have enough confidence in your writing to share it with other people. If you have aspirations of being published, you're gonna have to show your work to people right?

I agree with Fiona you've got lots of mystrey happening already which is a great draw.

Since you're into mysterious beginnings, something I find quite handy (not that I'm any expert) is to start a story with a character - preferably doing something a bit unusual. That way the reader has immediate questions they want answering and they will read more and more to find them out. Of course you don't answer the question they're dying to know for quite some time, until you have planted plenty even bigger questions that they just have to find out about.

Good job Satine, hope you post more.

cheers,

Darren.

<hr><font face="verdana" size="1"><b>Life is a containment field for thought.</b><i> (A Slatz original.)</i></font>

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Thanx guys! I'm working on it, but with exams starting next week, my life is gonna be a bit more hectic.

Thanx again for the reviewing, much appreciated.

Satine.

"Why do people keep saying there's plenty of fish in the sea? I don't want to marry a fish! "> "