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Forums -> The Writers Forum -> Bit of Action novel prolouge

Bit of Action novel prolouge

#1 - 21st Dec 2009 14:00:12

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Last Online: 23rd Dec 2009 18:11:04

Registered: 4th Apr 2009 17:36:18

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Hi im new here, so i just wanted some constructive criticism and reviews for something ive been working on. This is just an idea for a prolouge for a action novel.

This is a bit of the prolouge that ive been working on.

 

 Prologue

16th March 2014.
1600 Hours Local Time.
North-East Pacific Ocean, Approx. 1000km of the Coast of Los Angeles.

 

                ‘Ahh, Captain I think you should see this.’ Said the Radio Controller.
                ‘What is it?’ The Captain of the American Navy Arleigh Burke class Destroyer the USS Chafee (DGG-90) asked.
                ‘We just got a distress signal from a cargo ship around 10 klicks to the south of our current position,’ The Radio Controller informed. ‘This is the message they sent.’
                ‘Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is US Cargo Ship Uran. Position 33 degrees, 45 minutes and 19 seconds North, 129 degrees, 57 minutes and 50 seconds West. My Boat is being attacked by an unknown enemy. I require immediate assistance from a Navy Ship. 112 live on board, although around 50 of the crew have already been killed. We are trying to hold them off with anything we have but they overpower us in guns and soldiers. Over.’ The voice of a distraught Captain rang out of the speakers.
               After a very long pause, the Captain said, ‘Okay, set course to the South to the Cargo ship and run at full power for the moment. I need to think about the course of action before I make any decisions.’
               After the order was given the USS Chafee’s whole 9,000 tons of weight shifted as the enormous destroyer lurched as it started to set course to the South. Once the ship had completed its turn, the engines were put into full power and in no time the ship was moving at its full speed of 30 knots or 56km/h.
               The Captain thought about this distress signal and more importantly what to do about it. He weighed up his option; he could either go on pursuit of the attacking boat, but by the time they started moving towards the cargo ships position the attacking boats crew will know that we have heard the distress signal and would have also heard us replying, so the boat will definitely flee the area. If they fired a missile or bomb from their position it is likely that it could hurt the innocent cargo ship crew, or even if they did hit the attack boat and sink it, they’ll have no one to negotiate or no evidence left. The last option was to send a US Navy SEAL squad, who were on the boat, in a STAB (SEAL Team Assault Boat) to the cargo ship and try to restore some peace and order, by restraining any attackers and helping any wounded crew.
               The Captain was a thorough man; he always made sure the option he made was the best for everyone. He once again weighed his options up and thought about the advantages and disadvantages of each option.
               ‘Sir, we need an answer, now!’ The Radio Controller barked.
               ‘Where’s the SEAL team?’ The Captain asked.
               ‘They’ll be available in 5 minutes if you make the call.’
               ‘Okay get them ready to go for a full tactical assault, full equipment, we need to take all precautions, these guys aren’t messing about. I also want 5 of the best snipers on this boat scoping out whatever they can see with the 7.62mm calibre M-14 Sniper Rifle, and if anything comes our way, I want them taken out.’ The Captain said, ‘Oh and send a message to the Uran telling them help is on its way.’ After the Captain made the call, the observation room became frantic.
               The Radio Controller quickly contacted the Cargo ship, ‘US Cargo ship Uran, this is US Navy Ship USS Chefee, we received your distress call and are sending you immediate attention, please standby in the time being. ETA is 7 Minutes.’
                A second Radio Controller jumped on loud speakers that rang out through the boat, ‘SEAL Squads, your immediate attention is required. Please move directly to the armoury for a quick briefing and immediate deployment.’
                A Third Radio Controller contacted the weapon experts in the armoury, ‘Armoury staff, we need an immediate deployment for the SEAL Squads for a tactical assault on a Cargo ship that is being attacked by an unknown  enemy.’
                A Fourth Radio Controller contacted the transport crew, [i]‘Transport crew staff, we need an immediate deployment of the SEAL Squads in the STAB’s. We need them fully fuelled and full ammunition for the on board guns, as well as some extra ammo for the handguns and the 5.56mm ammo clips for the M4A1’s.’[/i]
                As the observation room became crazy as dozens of people were running around, looking at computer screens and talking in headsets, all the Captain could do was anxiously wait for another problem to arise.

#2 - 4th Jan 2010 10:50:19

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Last Online: 31st Jan 2010 21:29:10

Registered: 4th Jan 2010 09:32:35

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I'm new here too! 

I'm afraid I'm not an action reader, so I'm not sure what the genre expects, and my opinion is therefore flawed.  However, I found the numerical detail making me pause and break my chain of thought rather than follow the flow of conflict/action.  I can understand why you want it in there, but I can't really offer any ideas on how to make it a smoother read. 

A few general comments:

1. Typo - Approx. 1000km off the Coast of Los Angeles.

2.  The paragraph "The Captain thought", whose point of view is this?  The second sentence jumps from "He weighed" to "crew will know that we".

3.  Have you thought about showing how the Captain feels?  I'd be interested to see his attitude ... is he stroking his chin while contemplating choices?  are his hands on his hips as he makes the call?  Once the observation room becomes crazy,  he waits "anxiously" but perhaps instead of telling us he's anxious, he could pace? Or show some other action to indicate his anxiety?

I hope this can help.  There's tension in your prologue, so keep going :)